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Family.

8th grade was the worst year of my life.

I was 13-14 years old. That year, I went through things I would NEVER wish on my worst enemy.

In 8th grade, I was bullied. Quite a bit, actually. A month and a half after the school year began, I got into it with a group of people.

A lot of things happened but two people in that group smacked my head. I thought one person did it so I gave him the finger. That time, he slapped me in the back of the head as retaliation.

After that, I got up and fought him. I didn’t make him bleed but his face was quite red.

We both were sent to the principals office.

The state of Texas has a strict “zero tolerance” policy so I got in the most trouble. I was given six months probation and a $500 ticket. In their eyes, I was the bully! The guy I fought? He got a slap on the wrist and was treated as a “victim”. My parents, especially my dad, fought for me to not be punished further.

Growing up, my dad told my brother and I to give people an opportunity to back away. Normally when people do something minor, i’d give them three chances to stop. When I got hit twice, I gave them two. I didn’t start the fight but I finished it.

Given the amount of subtle racism towards young black men, my parents made sure I wasn’t going to be a statistic. The law in Texas had (and still has) no problem treating black teenagers as adults.

After the dust settled, you’d think the bullying would stop. Nope.

It got worse. Way worse!

I was challenged every day. I did all I could to avoid getting into more fights with people. The state of Texas had their eye on me and they were waiting to lock me up. No way I was going to jail.

The devil was working overtime.

For nine months, I experienced bullying, had bad grades, and my so-called friend abandoned me. People were looking out for themselves. People I knew since childhood did not have my back. I always had theirs but they wouldn’t help me out.

They were more concerned with the popularity. I can’t say I blame them. Mainstream popularity was and still is terrible. It’s why I don’t accept the norm or doing things like everyone else. It kills me to see this in other cultures internationally.

Everything I went through was preparing for manhood.

The consequence was I had to endure through a LOT to get where I am today.

In the black American community, it’s taboo to talk about or discuss black people killing themselves. There’s an unwritten code that black people don’t commit suicide and we’re “stronger than that”. The excuse for black people not killing themselves was “we wuz slaves!” or “we was kangs [kings]!” Black Americans forget we’re human and we’re not living in slavery anymore (not in the physical sense).

April 21, 2000. I tried to kill myself. Three times. 

I got bad grades on my report card, was bulled more than usual that week, and the adults were useless. “Man up” they said. “Protect yourself”. They forgot that got me in trouble seven months prior. The school system in my hometown was (and still is) useless. They were all about getting numbers. They didn’t care about the students.

This whole “man up” system feminists and men that refuse to step up is why young boys either want to kill themselves or grow up as murderers. There was no male leadership and the guidance was terrible. I was about to be another statistic.

I would be dead right now if it wasn’t for the grace of God and my little brother. I tried to hang myself in front of him. He was seven and he was crying.

The rope got tighter around my neck. I blacked out and saw a bright light. I also heard a voice. It said “Shaun, I got something great for you. Don’t do this to yourself”. The light got dim and I let go of the rope. I was sitting at the edge of my closet door and did all I could regain my breath. I tuned out my brother’s crying and just sat down for nearly an hour. So many thoughts went through my mind that night. I was overwhelmed.

My transition to manhood came at a heavy price. I went through depression. I was alive but I wasn’t happy. No one had my back and I was all alone. God and my brother were all I had.

My depression turned me to internet porn. For 15 years, I was addicted to it. It was a nice escape and I didn’t see myself putting an end to it.

My addiction stunted my physical and mental growth. I would work out but I was still fat and out of shape. I could talk to females but I often scared them away. My porn vibe killed off any interest they had in me. They could just tell I was a literal jack off.

Porn left me anxious. The lack of it, much like with drugs and alcohol, left me irritated. The addiction was like a pebble stuck in your shoe; each step I took, something always irritated my foot. I couldn’t just take off my shoe and remove it.

The addiction left me tired often. I had no drive to improve my mind and body. My grades got better in high school but everything else (socially) was lacking. My voice didn’t mature; it didn’t sound the way it should. I didn’t get my actual speaking voice until I STOPPED! I still had kind of a high and effeminate sounding voice in my 20s. (Voice during porn addictionvoice after porn addiction)

July 4th, 2015. Through all of the pain, suffering, redemption, and rejection, I FINALLY got over my addiction to porn. Reading Terry Crews’ book Manhood put me on the path to doing right but it took a while. Watching Creflo Dollar’s sermons (1 and 2) got me to stop. That and Gorilla Mindset. Both were great reads!

Since I stopped, I’ve had better self control towards myself and others. I can’t believe it took me 15 years to learn how to make personal and business connections with people. My mind is more focused on the future.

I’m not writing this to demonize porn. I’m talking about the ADDICTION to it.

Since getting over it, I no longer feel shame. I have energy to do what I NEED to do. I get up at 4:30-5 am and hit the gym. I take cold showers (once in a while) and get my day started.

Next week will be one year of overcoming porn addiction. While I feel accomplished, I am not stopping. There’s much more that needs to be done in my life time.

I still feel temptation every now and then and when I do, I say to myself out loud: I WILL NOT GRAB IT! If that doesn’t work, I just read scripture. 

I wrote this today because my best friend told me a friend of hers committed suicide. I used to see the guy a lot during my anime convention days and to hear that really sucks. Depression is no joke.

What makes living in Korea hard sometimes is witnessing Koreans deal with depression. Mainly due to the society pressures that’s put on them by archaic tactics and not “tainting the family name”. What’s damming is depression isn’t considered a thing here; mental illness is swept under the rug.

The bottom line is if you’re depressed, talk to someone. Don’t be afraid to get professional help. Don’t let ANYONE (society or otherwise) shame you for wanting to improve yourself. Don’t let them keep you from PROTECTING yourself either. Going on offense and staying alive is better than being on defense and getting killed.

Edit: It sounds hypocritical that i’m talking about porn addiction while doing things with Japanese porn stars. I have a purpose for interacting with them. Keep reading and you’ll find out what it is.


Here are the resources I used to get over porn addiction. I hope it helps you out too.

10 Reasons To Stop Using Internet Porn by Victor Pride
How To Break Bad Habits And How To Stop Watching Porn by Mike Cernovich

Rest easy, family. If you want to talk to me about it, leave a comment or find me on @dtwowebb on Twitter.

Peace and love.
Shaun